Jokes

Riddles

Take My Son

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war.

He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.

The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son. About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large
package in his hands. He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life.
He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art."
The young man held out this package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting.
The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what
your son did for me. It's a gift."

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great
works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an
opportunity to purchase one for their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"

There was silence.

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one."

But the auctioneer persisted. "Will someone bid for this, painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"

Another voice shouted angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!"

But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son!
Who'll take the son?"

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

"We have $10, who will bid $20?"

"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."

"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"

A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the collection!"

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over."

"What about the paintings?"

"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told there was a secret stipulation. And not to say anything of that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!"

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross.

Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll take the son?" Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything

Subject: Why me God?
And please remember.....You are Loved!!!

Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the Surgeon come out of the operating room.

She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be O.K.? When can I see him?"

The Surgeon said, "I'm sorry, we did all we could."
Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer, doesn't GOD care anymore? GOD, where were you when my son needed you?"
The Surgeon said, "One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes to let you spend time with your son's remains before it's transported to the university".

Sally asked that the nurse to stay with her while she said Good-bye to her son. Sally ran her fingers through his thick red curly hair.
The nurse said, "Would you like a lock of his hair?"

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of his hair and put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

Sally said, "It was Jimmy's idea to give his body to the university for study. He said it might help somebody else," and that is what he wanted.
I said, No at first, but Jimmy said, "Mom I won't be using it after I die, maybe it will help some other little boy to be able to spend one more day with his mother".

Sally said, "My Jimmy had a heart of Gold, always thinking of someone else and always wanting to help others if he could".
Sally walked out of the Children's Hospital for the last time now after spending most of the last 6 months there.

She sat the bag with Jimmy's things in it on the seat beside of her in the car.
The drive home was hard and it was even harder to go into an empty house.
She took the bag to Jimmy's room and started placing the model cars and things back in his room exactly where he always kept them. She laid down across his bed and cried herself to sleep holding his pillow.

Sally woke up about midnight and laying beside of her on the bed, was letter folded up. She opened the letter, it said:

Dear Mom:
I know your going to miss me, but don't think that I will never forget you or stop loving you because I'm not around to say I LOVE YOU. I'll think of you every day Mom and I'll love you even more each day. Someday we will see each other again. If you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, he can have my room and my old stuff to play with. If you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things as us boys do, so you will have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like.
Don't be sad when you think about me, this is really a great place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything here. The angels are so friendly, I love to watch them fly. Jesus doesn't look like any of the pictures I saw of Him, but I knew it was Him as soon as I saw Him. Jesus took me to see GOD! And guess what Mom? I got to sit on GOD'S knee and talk to Him like I was somebody important. I told GOD that I wanted to write you a letter and tell you Good-bye and everything, but I knew that wasn't allowed. God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter with. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel that is going to drop this letter off to you.
God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him about. Where was He when I needed him?

God said, "The same place He was when Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.
Oh, by the way Mom, nobody else can see what is written on this paper but you. To everyone else, it looks like a blank piece of paper. I have to give God His pen back now, he has some more names to write in the Book Of Life.
Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for Supper. I'm sure the food will be great. I almost forgot to let you know - Now I don't hurt anymore, the cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me suffer the pain either, so He sent The Angel of Mercy to get me.

The Angel said I was Special Delivery!
Signed with love from: God & Jesus & Me.

"HILL BILLY BIRTH CONTROL"

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that
was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want
to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it
was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go
home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Hill Billy said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man
in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me. " Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" 3"
"4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs, and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Florida, Kentucky, Mississippi,
Missouri, and West Virginia

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his
wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head
with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was
the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known
there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV
when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this
time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that
for?"

She replied "Your horse called!"

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your
vehicle.
>From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping
while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see
a small group of
people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding
from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP
his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet
she
looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was
standing idly by. He was just fine.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

Subject: Taco Bell

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said,

"No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have,

because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo.... I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled....

"SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!"

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as

if nothing happened. I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they
came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!
Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving,
bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same
thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

Fast Thinker
A man in the supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very
young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says
he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy says
to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he
finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind
him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other
half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir,
there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said
the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No way" replied the boy.
"Who'd she play for?"

The Wave... Keep It Going

Just wanted to say Hi,
AND HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY.

Some Things You Keep

Some things you keep. Like good teeth. Warm coats. Mature Wives. They're good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime that to throw them away would make the garbage man a thief.

So you hang on, because something old is sometimes better than something new, and what you know is often better than a stranger.

These are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and tame and dull at a time when everybody else is risky and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in their lives.

New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars. The world is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I don't think I want to.

I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones. They weren't poor, my parents, they were just satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Fifties couples in Bermuda shorts and Banlon sweaters, lawnmower in one hand, tools in the other. The tools were for fixing things - a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress.

Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd always be more.

But then my father died, and on that clear night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets all used up and goes away, never to return.

So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. That's true for marriage and old cars and children with bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging parents. You keep them because they're worth it, because you're worth it.

Some things you keep.

Simple, but powerful!
Family
This is so true. Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think?

So what is behind the story? you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Happy National Friendship Week.

Many people will walk in and out of your life.
But only true friends will leave footprints in
your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

He, who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,

Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all
yourself.

Friends, you and me ....
You brought another friend ....
And then there were 3 .
We started our group ....
Our circle of friends.
There is no beginning or end.

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.

It's National Friendship Week.
Show your friends how much you care ....
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.
If it comes back to you, then you'll know you
have a circle of
friends.

Yes, he would like fries with that.

Jesus Test

This is an easy test, you score 100 or zero. It's your choice. If you aren't ashamed to do this, please follow the directions.

Jesus said, "if you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father."

Not ashamed Pass this on . . . only if you mean it.

Yes, I do Love God.

He is my source of existence and Savior.

He keeps me functioning each and everyday.

Without Him, I will be nothing.

Without Him, I am nothing but with Him I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. Phil 4:13

This really makes one think about that old saying...don't judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes.

Heavenly Father,
Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to r emember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.

Author Unknown